Stuart Wolfendale

At a time when 50% of marriages last as long as a scuba diver’s air tank, its probably only a coincidence that the Anantara Resort in Phuket is offering underwater weddings as a guest service.

 

The couple is taken out to a dive site, sent down with a dive master whose sacramental role is not defined, exchange vows by bubbles and surface to drink bubbly. There is an ‘extra dive’ included in the package during which divorce proceedings might begin.

 

Hydrogen Lau of the Aqua Marriage Institute, Tuvalu, hailed the Anantara’s new feature. (And, if you think I’m making him up, I have a travel agent called Nitrogen Lam). “It is a beautiful analogy of modern marriage.” he said. ” Communication is cut down to a minimum, there’s no fuss about staying still on one spot for long, relatives and children don’t come into it  and either party can just float away”

 

The hotel group has come in for fierce criticism from the Surface Atmosphere Wedding Defence Leauge. See Too Oh, Singapore branch representative, said that weddings were created exclusively for men and women on dry land because there isn’t as much as a  pond mentioned  in the Garden of Eden. She called for a pre-emptive strike here and now against same -sex underwater marriages.

 

An LGBT multiple spokesperson  was immediately to hand and said they didn’t give a flying fart what SWADLE said because all people who were really gay were getting married during cliff jumps in California.

 

No statistics yet exist for failed underwater marriages or even fatal ones. The increasing swarms of jellyfish coming up from the deep and packs of turds bobbing along from Phuket condo developments gives ’till death do you part” a rich and ready force. The Anantara makes no mention of  ceremonial perils but does speak of a ‘celebrants’ fee.

 

Assuming the pompously titled dive masters do not have the equivalent of a nautical command , who does carry out the ceremony?

 

“Not us”, declared the abbott of a local Buddhist monastery. “Buddhist weddings involve lines of monks sitting crossed legged in fabric, chanting into the air repeatedly and interminably until all the guests give us a truck load of offerings to be released. Underwater, the potential for that is zilch.”

 

Muslim reactions were confused. “Well obviously fun is not what we do” said one local imam who asked not to be named because he was not authorized to speak. “I’m trying rather hard to think of an objection but since Muslim weddings aren’t really religious matters and can be held more or less anywhere, underwater doesn’t seem to pose too much of an obstacle. I suppose you could object to the hotel’s price for two because, if you strip a Muslim wedding down to essentials, the woman doesn’t have to be there.”

 

Not to be outdone, the Jewish Community of Thailand was puzzled too. ‘This is a goyim joke, isn’t it ?” said their spokesman. “I’m worried about treading on all those shellfish down there. Can’t leave Leviticus out of this, you know. The point is mute anyway. What mother would allow it?”

 

Rome’s Apostolic Delegate in Bangkok was not enthusiastic. “The couple would be clad in rubber, right? The Holy Father is rather edgy over rubber products at this time. I think we’ll pass”.

 

An Anglican vicar in Bangkok was equally confounded . “Heaven knows, we try and fit in with trends” he cried, ” Still, I have turned the Book of Common Prayer upside down, inside out and banged it against the wall and I still cannot get from it any indication that a thumbs up sign can be read as ‘I do”.

 

Couples will probably have to settle for a civil ceremony which will also be the least problematic.. “You’d never get me down there!’ chuckled a local registrar. “but that’s not a problem . Five thousand baht in a brown envelope and it’s taken as read. Oh, and if they change their minds about it coming back up, then ditto.”

 

In the meantime, local fishermen, weary of enslaving and murdering passing refugees, are looking forward to a new ocean bounty; dropped diamond  rings around the wedding site.

Posted in Abroad, All, Peculiars, Travel